


change the tide

by lehnshxrrs



Series: dumb stuff for alex [7]
Category: X-Men, X-Men (Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Finally, M/M, charles is ftm just btw, trans charles for jess, transgender!charles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 17:39:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3076424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lehnshxrrs/pseuds/lehnshxrrs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It never really occurred to Charles that he was something different until he finds a little blue girl digging through his refrigerator. </p>
<p>"How come your hair is so choppy?" She asks later, perched on his bed, reaching out to tug the piece that always sticks up. Charles puts his hand up to try to smooth it down, frowning. He doesn't tell her that he'd cut it himself one night.</p>
<p>"It's always done that." he insists instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	change the tide

**Author's Note:**

> just an fyi before you read, Charles is female to male in this fic, in case any confusion comes up?
> 
> thanks xoxo

It never really occurred to Charles that he was something different until he finds a little blue girl digging through his refrigerator.

"How come your hair is so choppy?" She asks later, perched on his bed, reaching out to tug the piece that always sticks up. Charles puts his hand up to try to smooth it down, frowning. He doesn't tell her that he'd cut it himself one night.

"It's _always_ done that." he insists instead.

~

When they're both thirteen, Charles lets Raven meet his mother, his mother looks at Raven, drunk as always, and waves her wineglass at her.

"Well," she slurs, "At least I've got another daughter. Never wanted a son"

"Another?" Raven asks, eyes sliding to Charles for an answer, and Charles presses his eyes closed and thinks of a lie to press into Raven's mind.

~

"So your sister died in the plane crash with your father?" Raven asks later, as she flips through forms to decide how she should look if she wants to fit into Charles' family.

"Yes." Charles says simply, hoping his voice isn't as strained as it sounds. He might be a perfect illusionist, but he's a terrible liar.

Raven pauses with her back turned, hair long and curled around the tips, black with just slight hints of brown.

"Did she look like this?" She asks, turning, and she's a copy of Charles, of what he used to be. Charles bursts into tears, and Raven's skin shimmers back to blue as she hugs him close, apologies spilling from her mouth.

Charles wishes he could change that easily.

~

When Charles goes to Oxford at 17, he takes Raven with him. He avoids the dorms in favour of getting an apartment close enough to the school that he can walk there.

He tries not to think about the professor  who proudly declares that there are no women going for a major in genetics. He sits in the back of his classes, takes notes, and tells himself that he absolutely belongs here.

~

Later, what feels like years later, when a CIA agent approaches him, asking about mutations, Charles almost lets his illusion slip. There are more than just Raven and him. Endless possibilities, everything Charles could dream of.

Except even he'd never be able to have a power great enough to dream of someone like Erik.

~

Charles is 20 when he dives into the water.

When he hits the water, it's warm enough that he can hold onto his illusion. Erik shoves him away with a hand on his shoulder, and Charles nearly goes under. He's never gone swimming, but Erik is important, so Charles jumped in the sea for him. Erik's hand closes around Charles' shoulder and pulls him up, so he can breathe above the waves.

Moira hands Charles a blanket after they're back on the boat, asking if Charles needs anything to change into. Despite his binder being soaked through and probably ruined, Charles answers no, eyes sliding to Erik who seems to be determined not to show that he's freezing. Wordlessly, Charles holds out the blanket to Erik. Erik just slides close across the bench and sets the blanket across their laps, shoulders touching.

"So you've never swam?" Erik asks, voice soft like he's afraid to scare Charles away. Charles smiles.

"Not until tonight, my friend." Charles answers, smiling. Erik nods. "I much prefer a chess game over swimming."

"We will have to play sometime." Erik decides, after a long silence, mind filled with the uncertainty of meeting someone new.

_"He was in my head, what did he see?"_ floats around Erik's mind, like a broken record, along with that same uneasy feeling one gets when they meet another person.

Suddenly, inexplicably, Charles is filled with the desire to tell Erik the truth.

~

They’re in Cerebro when Charles slips.

All those minds, _everyone_ within a 350 mile radius, it’s _magnificent._ Charles can hear himself laugh breathlessly, eyes staring at nothing and seeing everything. Granted, it’s not the first time he’s tried Cerebro, but it’s the first time he’s pushed himself so far. But then, Charles circles around in his mind’s eye, and realises he can’t see himself. Normally, Charles can view everyone, mind picking out mutants, and then see himself, if he chooses, more for reassurance than anything. This time, he can’t see anything where he should be.

Where is Charles? Hundreds, thousands of people, so many voices, girls and boys and women and men and everyone in between, and Charles _can’t find himself._

_“Charles?”_ Erik’s voice comes finally, sounding far away, and Charles realises he’s on the floor, Erik leaning over him while Hank profusely apologizes in the background.

“I didn’t know, I swear, I would’ve never- I’m so _sorry_ ,” Hank babbles, furiously turning off equipment, determinately not looking at Charles.

“It’s quite alright, Hank.” Charles slurs more than says, and then he freezes. Without thinking, he dives into Erik’s head, and gasps, horrified. Erik winces, and Charles realises that he’s practically stumbling around in Erik’s mind, causing one hell of a migraine. “‘M sorry.” Charles mumbles, voice small. He knows he’s shaking now, and Erik frowns.

“Charles?” Erik says, hand curling around Charles’ wrist. Charles flinches hard enough to throw Erik off. “You’re bleeding.”  Charles exhales shakily and makes Erik see what he wants to Erik to see, erasing Hank’s memories.

“Charles.” Erik says, softer, kinder, and Charles pretends he isn’t crying when he changes Erik’s memories, too.

Just a little softness around the edges, and any thought, any _spark_ of an idea that Charles wasn’t exactly who he said he was, gone. Charles touches underneath his nose, pausing when his hand comes back smeared red.

“Charles?” Erik says again, frowning. “You’re bleeding. What happened?”

“Suppose I pushed myself too hard.”

~

Charles knows Erik doesn’t entirely trust him, especially since there are little memories here and there that go missing, and all of them come from parts of the day where he was with Charles.

Honestly, Erik knows something’s wrong, and Charles is having a bit of a mental breakdown. Part of him knows he knows he can’t hide forever, but the other, louder part keeps reminding him that Raven still hasn’t caught him. He’s still debating this after several days, up in the middle night- pacing restlessly in his room, curtains drawn, hands in his hair - too long, it’s getting too long again - and 100 percent sure he’s not crying because this is one time, out of many, where he’s stumped on what to do.

Erik notices this, too.

~

One night, years and years later, when Charles is 25 and he has let his hair grow out because he just doesn’t _care_ anymore, he’ll think about that week and laugh, delirious, high.

It’s only funny because he can’t fathom how bad it hurt him then, he can’t remember anything but the feeling of the sand underneath his torso, breath leaving his lungs faster than it came in, everything past his lower back dead and numb and why-

Charles shakes his head, and pours another drink, staring at the chess set that still stays with the black king in check.

Erik’s never gonna know anyway.

~

“Charles.” Erik says, after he’s cornered Charles in the library. “Why do you keep erasing my memories?” If there was ever an emotion for that white static noise the TV makes when the signal isn’t right, this is it.

“I-I’m not-” Charles stutters, and Erik rolls his eyes. Damn him, why does he have to be so _close_?

“Charles, honestly, if you’re going to erase my memories at least make them match.” Erik teases, and Charles exhales, peeking into Erik’s mind and seeing that this is a joke. Well. Kind of. Part of Erik is entirely serious, and the other is still questioning if _Charles,_ nice, kind Charles would do that, and for what reason? There’s nothing Charles is hiding, right?

“Well, my friend,” Charles answers, after far too long of blankly staring at Erik. “I’ll remember that the next time Sean tells me to turn every memory of yours into something involving how _cool_ he is.” Erik rolls his eyes again and then he’s gone.

Charles has to remind himself to breathe afterward, although, his chest feels warm and fuzzy and too much like love for him to even think about.

Erik wouldn’t love him if he knew.

~

It’s that very thought that brings Charles to break down right before he goes to bed one night, not too long after he and Erik sort-of-kind-of-maybe become a _thing_ , and he’s still in his binder and sweatpants, crying, again. His light’s off, but the curtains are still open, which is about as close to telling the truth as Charles has gotten in years.

He can’t hide forever.

He’s hidden from Raven long enough.

He _shouldn’t_ hide forever.

He’s hiding from Erik just fine.

The others would probably accept him just fine.

He can’t drop that kind of bombshell on them so soon to fighting Shaw.

He doesn’t wanna hide forever-

“Charles?” Erik says, standing in the doorway, and Charles doesn’t look up from where his head is in his hands. He’s completely forgone his little illusion, as he usually does this late at night. The Charles Erik’s seeing now is nothing like the one that laughs when Erik puts his black king into check. “You’re projecting, _really_ loudly,” Erik begins, shifting from foot to foot. Charles sniffles.

“Sorry.” He says thickly, not putting up an effort to do anything about it.

“And it’s just to me.” Erik continues over him. “You shouldn’t have to hide from anyone Charles.”

“Erik,” Charles starts, looking up.

“I don’t care who you were and I certainly don’t care that your birth name was Charlotte and that your mother never liked you after you started altering her memories, and I don’t mind that you’ve been changing mine. I care that it’s _hurting_ you Charles-”

“It’s not what you-”

“It’s exactly what I think Charles. I don’t want you to think you have to hide from me.” Erik continues over him, voice soft.  

"If it's exactly what you think, Erik, then you know I have to hide." Charles answers, two fingers at his temple.

Charles tries to forget, later, how Erik had just stood there, after his memories were gone, and asked himself what he’d come up to Charles’ room for.

Charles really tries to forget how he’d pretended to be asleep, tears slipping across his cheeks and to his temples, holding his breath until Erik left.

~

Years and years later, an entire lifetime later, Charles cradles a drink and swallows nervously as his legs start to twinge numbly, ears popping with the altitude changes.

“I know you took away the things that mean the most to me.” Charles thinks more than says, or at least, he thought he didn’t say that out loud, because then Erik turns to him and fixes him with this _look_ , like Erik _knows_ but he can’t, he couldn’t possibly know. Charles made pretty damn sure of that.

“Then maybe you should’ve fought harder for them.” Erik finally says dismissively, angrily, and Charles sees red.

“You abandoned me!” Charles fires back, toe-to-toe with Erik, half relishing the way Erik flinches and half worried that he’ll say something he really regrets here. “You took her away, and you _left_ me.”

Erik’s pissed now, Charles knows, but really, he doesn’t care, his head throbs and he can feel more than hear Erik shouting back at him until:

“You and Hank, _hiding_ , pretending to be something you’re not!”

“You have no _idea_ , Erik, what it’s like to have to hide!” Charles spits, before clenching his jaw and sitting back down, looking out the window, anywhere that isn’t Erik’s face.

“Charles?” He asks, eyebrows pulled together, eyes unfocused, almost like-

Charles doesn’t stick around for the rest.

~

Later, after the mess in Paris, Charles at least convinces Erik not to split apart from the group, and with a little reassurance from their future visitor, Erik’s staying the night in his old room at Xavier Manor. However, that’s not where he sleeps that night.

“Charles, it’s okay.” Erik is saying to him, sounding almost worried, cradling Charles’ face between his hands, close enough that their foreheads nearly touch. Charles can barely see Erik, he’s crying so hard. Erik had found Charles practically curled around a glass in his room, well on his way to being three sheets to the wind, bawling his eyes out.

“It’s okay.” Erik repeats, pressing their foreheads together. “You can tell me, Charles, whatever it is. Or show me, if you can, I don’t-”

Charles stumbles into Erik’s mind, having let his dose wear off a few hours ago, and shows him everything, how his mother named him Charlotte and how she was never really right after his father died and he started changing her memories, how he’s hidden from Raven all these years, and how scared he is, and he knows, a little, that Erik’s gonna hate what he’s done, and he’ll never want to speak to Charles again-

“Oh Charles,” Erik says softly, kindly, before pressing his lips to Charles’ forehead. “You never have to hide from me, _schöner_. I understand you’re scared, Charles. But I’d never treat you any different, _liebling,_ you have to know that.”

Charles presses his face into Erik’s shirt and lets his tears soak through the fabric until he falls asleep, hands still loosely curled around Erik’s arms.

~

He still takes the serum, from time to time, especially on days like this, where they’ve got appointments and Charles would really rather walk than deal with the pain of a large group of people, like in the city. Although, Erik’s coaxed him out to town before without the serum, so he’s becoming a bit better at re-learning to handle people’s pain and voices, and this time he’s not alone.

Today, however, is especially important.

Charles laughs and slaps Erik’s hands away from the ridiculous amount of bandages around his torso.

“It’s been long enough!” Erik protests, laughing as Charles sticks his tongue out at him. “Honestly, Charles, one week over when the doctor tells you it’s okay to remove the bandages is enough time.” Charles stands and walks to the mirror in the bathroom, then turns pink, and then white, as he worries his lip between his teeth.

“ _Liebchen_ ,” Erik starts, but Charles cuts him off.

“What if it hasn’t been long enough?” He asks quietly, fiddling with the end of the bandage.

“You’ll be fine.” Erik reassures him, and Charles smiles a little and tugs the edge of the bandage until it pulls free, until it’s all free, leaving smooth skin behind.

“How do I look?” Charles asks, turning around so Erik can see. Erik had never see Charles out of a binder, but now, he looks _exactly_ how Erik knew he’d look after his surgery. Charles flushes again as Erik gets up and steps a little closer.

“Can I?” Erik asks, hand half raised to trace the lines of Charles’ ribs, his sternum, all the things both new and old about Charles. Charles goes from pink to red before nodding, lips parting when Erik does just as he intended, tracing circles and lines across Charles’ chest.

Charles smiles, and tugs Erik in for a kiss.

  
He never dreamed he’d end up like this.

**Author's Note:**

> THIS HAS TAKEN SOOOOOO LONG, JESS I'M SORR Y
> 
> this has also been the product of about three months(?) of me deleting and rewriting like 99392% of this fic and lots of frustration about saying it right DESPITE me understanding charles' deal from a personal perspective? uGh


End file.
